Tonight I sit while sorting out my thoughts, I have been sober for awhile now and in no way do I plan on staying like that. At the same time the feeling of euphoria I gain from smoking pot or sipping back some captain m comes in realizing things i would not notice while under the influence. I feel like two people stuck in one body surrounded by a constantly changing environment, for example if i smoke pot for three weeks then go sober for awhile once i go back to being high I feel like Ive just woken up from a deep sleep. I cant explain it any further then that except for this one feeling I keep at all times and it is the feeling of being out of sync. If I continue to be sober I have a fear of losing half of myself, and in extended periods without any substances I can actually notice how i change and that is one of the scariest things that has ever happened. I did some studying on this subject to see if this happens to many other smokers and to my surprise it is one of the most common things linked to smoking pot. Basically what the team that did the study said was that people who smoke lots or have smoked for long time and suddenly quit have a feeling of a part of them die.
The problem I have run into is that the same group of researchers are still conducting the ten year study and has just entered the second phase which is the five year mark in which they start to give the smokers that piece of them back.
I know this is not like my previous posts, though I feel it is important to tell all of my readers that my first two posts were done while i was sober for some time and the newer ones were while i was under the influence. this post however like i said is done at my breaking point, the middle ground between being sober for so long that all the THC is leaving my mind and making my mind go bland all the colours i see are becoming dimmer and less interesting by the moment and this will continue for i expect the next nine to twelve hours at which point the world around me will become ugly and uninteresting and even the mere thought of life before my soberness will cease to exist in my memory.
This however is not depressing, once i come back to complete reality I begin to think completely logically, my attention Span returns to normal my thought process begins to sort it self out and i stop dwelling in the past, which is the most depressing part of smoking pot. Even the complete feeling of euphoria i gain from pot has its downside. i begin to notice that Ive made many mistakes in my life and Ive hurt many people and while i am in that state i feel like i have to make it up to those people but i cant while smoking pot so i stop for awhile and the cycle begins once again.
Being in the middle right now i can honestly say my mistakes have been made and the past will remain the past and while i continue to live in the past i do not move forward with my own life which is the absolute worst.
Now i have dragged this a little to far and i think i should wrap this all up, I will close this post by simply saying that a major change to my life is necessary and that is what i plan to do, i will be honest to people i have lied to i will finish school save some money and move some were peaceful and far away, if you feel the same or have any expanded thoughts let me know.